What to do if children are obtained. The child is not able to put words out of letters

When my child does homework, I often hear phrases: “I won’t do it, because it’s difficult, I won’t succeed!”. How should parents react to such statements? How to convince a child and is it worth it?

Probably one of the most unpleasant situations for parents is the moment when they realize that their child does not believe in himself. You can observe how children get very upset and cry in the face of a difficult task, or not at all upset, but put the notebook away and forget about it for a while. Interestingly, this happens to capable and even talented children. The child is afraid to fail, does not believe that he can do it, and as a result, he is generally inclined to refuse to act. At that moment, the parent understands that the task before the child, in general, is an ordinary one, and there are no reasons not to cope with it. They get angry and try to convince the child to react differently, but this often only makes things worse.

This situation is extremely painful for the child and no less painful for the parents.

Fear of failure, unwillingness to fail, can directly control the child's actions and lead to the fact that he refuses to try. Such behavior is formed under the influence of the child's personal experience, although it can be enhanced by the peculiarities of his temperament. This formative experience includes the attitude of close adults to the mistakes of the child, and the experience of competition with other children, including brothers and sisters, and the character of the parents themselves. The reason is not always the direct influence of the parents, however, it is the parents who can help the child cope with difficulties in many ways.

How to help a child

1. Acknowledge the child's feelings. Before rushing to solve the problem, just admit that this situation seems difficult for the child, it is really difficult for him to get down to business. Just say briefly:

“Yes, this task seems to be too confusing..”

Your task is not to deny the feelings that have already arisen in the child, but to help cope with them.

2. Teach your child algorithms for solving problems. A big task needs to be divided into small parts, before making a decision it is worth figuring out how you will act, at the beginning of work it is better to highlight priority tasks. In each activity you will have your own tips on how best to act.

Many tasks seem difficult to children precisely because they are so for them. And I need help to learn new things. The school, on the other hand, is minimally involved in what is called the organization of children's activities, the emphasis is on mastering information, while children are not taught effective strategies for working with information.

3. Provide opportunities to engage in activities in which the child is successful. The child should have a full opportunity to do what he knows and loves, while receiving recognition. If the child is gifted physically or dances well, then he needs to be provided with the opportunity to do a lot of this. In fact, the opposite happens - such activities shrink under the onslaught of what “needs” to do. Hobbies fade into the background, giving way to those activities that are less successful. The child ends up in a state of failure most of the time. This greatly affects the level of aspirations of the child.

4. Provide easy wins. This is an activity where success comes with little effort. For example, to warm up before math classes, play "math football" with your child - you give the child simple examples that he must calculate in his mind. Examples should be of such a level that the child feels competent in solving them.

5. Declare the value of perseverance. Pay attention to those moments when the child does not succeed, but he still continues to try. Most likely, this is the area that causes a real interest in the child. As a rule, any child has such an area where he does not need to be agitated, he tries himself. Let it be gluing aircraft models, physical exercises or a computer game. Pay attention to the child's persistence, which he shows. Be sure to make it clear that you consider this a strong quality of the child.

In no case do not comment with an accusatory intonation: “Here, in order to move to a new level in the game, I’m ready to spend an hour, but you don’t want to try to solve the problem!”. Your task is not to blame the child, but rather to let him know that he has the necessary quality of character, it just has not yet manifested itself in some areas.

6. Tell your child inspirational stories. You will find many examples of great people whose lives were filled with small and large defeats. This glorious list includes great writers, scientists, actors, athletes. There is even an opinion that success itself is the result of many defeats. Your task is to create in the child the belief that failure is not the end of the world, but just a turn of events. Give examples from your own history when you have achieved something significant, having gone through a difficult path.

7. Model your own resistance to defeat.

Children inherit attitudes towards mistakes from their parents. But this fact is not entirely obvious, since adults do not so clearly demonstrate their sensitivity to defeat, and are far from always aware of it. They learn to deftly avoid situations in which they can fail through the tactics of "green grapes". Adults simply do not take part in those activities in which they may look pale, declaring them uninteresting for themselves. For example, a person will not go to dance if he is unsure of himself, will not take part in a sports competition, will not go to a company where he may not look high enough, will not speak a foreign language in the presence of people who can criticize his level, avoid toasting in holidays. All these forms of avoidance have become so habitual, so rooted in life, that people themselves no longer perceive them as avoidance as a result of fear of failure. Therefore, they can quite sincerely believe that their child is somehow too sensitive to his mistakes, it is not clear in whom ...

To help your child, start with him the development of some business in which you have almost equal chances of success. For example, go learn to dance if you've never done it before. Don't be afraid to look funny, show by your own example how you don't give up despite setbacks.

8. Play with your child. Fear of failure, mistakes are often removed thanks to the game, in which the child himself must find your mistake. You do the task incorrectly, the child finds your mistakes. You can also ask the child to do something intentionally wrong at first, and then find and correct their own mistake. Such a game can defuse the tense atmosphere around schoolwork.

What to avoid:

• Criticism and ridicule of the child for mistakes and his attitude to business. This will only increase the unpleasant experiences of the child. And lowered mood is not at all the soil on which school or any other successes flourish.
• Solutions to the problem only at the moment of its vivid manifestation. Most of the tactics described above are aimed rather at organizing communication with the child outside the problem situation. This is the most effective strategy. If you remember that you need to do something only at the moment of a bright manifestation of the problem, then there is little you can do to successfully solve it.
• Lead by example to other children. It is the procedure of evaluation, comparison and scares the child. Do not exacerbate this conflict by citing other children who are doing better. The results of the child can be compared with his own results in the past. Then progress will be more obvious and this can support the child.

The disbelief of the child in his own strength is perceived by the parents themselves as their pedagogical failure. “Something was done wrong, I couldn’t instill confidence in my child, that’s why he behaves this way,” the parent roughly argues. It is important that the parents themselves treat such a situation as something completely fixable. By approaching the problem actively, with confidence in the possibility of its successful resolution, parents help their child to take a similar position in relation to their difficulties.

© Elizaveta Filonenko

A story about the mistakes of a good dad. Which any (or any :)) of us can do.

So, there is a wonderful dad who loves his children, seeks to please them with something and even somehow develop them. He brings home a huge Lego set. "Well, kids, come on! Let's play now!" Children, of course, are happy to try. Nine-year-old Masha immediately starts building a rocket, which is supposed to go on a trip to Mars. And six-year-old Vanya imitates her in everything. Masha takes the blue cube, and Vanya too. Masha makes wings and Vanya tries.

Yes, that's bad luck, Vanya turns out worse, he doesn't keep up with Masha. And at one wonderful moment, Vanya angrily throws the dice at his sister and runs away. Dad, out of the best of intentions, tries to cheer up his son.

- You're really upset! You have a great rocket!

- Nothing great! The wings fall off and in general it is stupid.

- I like this. I think you have the best rocket in the world!

- Not true! I NEVER get ANYTHING!

- Well, let me help you. We will now build such a rocket that will fly even to Mars, even to Jupiter.

Do you think what a smart dad is? Just a good guy, right? But nothing like that! Dad, of course, well done, that he is trying to help his son. But he's doing it the wrong way. In just a couple of minutes, he managed to make 3 serious mistakes.

Mistake #1: Dad told a lie that Vanya made a good rocket. And Vanya knows about it. Instead, dad should explain to his son that when he turns nine, he will be able to assemble much more complex toys. There is nothing wrong with the fact that Masha makes a rocket faster and better than Vanya. When she was six years old, she faced the same difficulties as her brother.

Mistake #3: Hearing from Vanya's lips that he NEVER succeeds in ANYTHING, dad should have been alert and had a conversation with his son. The fact is that a boy already at the age of 6 generalizes and generalizes his difficulties. Not “I didn’t succeed this time”, but “I never succeed.” Such an attitude will prevent Vanya from achieving success in the future. As soon as a problem arises in front of him, he will drop his hands and back down. Remember we wrote how? If serious work is not done with Vanya, then he has every chance in the future to become a pessimist who, instead of making efforts towards achieving his dream (or, more prosaically, goal), will simply give it up.

Martin Seligman's book The Optimist Child will soon be published by Mann, Ivanov & Ferber, and will contain a description of effective methods that can change negative thinking. I can't wait to read it 🙂

Inspired by yesterday's visit to the neuropsychologist.

Wikipedia tells us that

neuropsychology- an interdisciplinary scientific direction lying at the intersection of psychology and neuroscience, aimed at understanding the relationship between the structure and functioning of the brain with the mental processes and behavior of living beings.

It's not very clear, of course. Professionals can throw a slipper at me)) I see neuropsychology rather narrowly from the position of my mother: the science of the interaction of the left and right hemispheres.

And experts have a bunch of wonderful exercises that allow you to harmonize this interaction. At first glance, they are very simple. But you never know what you will succeed immediately, and what with difficulty.

So here I am sitting yesterday and watching my youngest son (he will be 5 soon) work with a neuropsychologist. I see that he is trying. I see that not everything works. And certainly not everything is as it should be (as the specialist shows).

What does a female psychologist do? Shows first. Then he does it together. Then he looks and CORRECTS IF SOMETHING IS WRONG.

Matthew does a lot of things wrong. She fixes a lot. He tries. He tries very hard. And when finally everything comes out more or less right, she says: “Well, well. And now, look and do like this, ”gives the next task.

And when it was necessary to crawl backwards on the shoulder blades, moving them one by one and slightly helping himself with his legs, Matvey specifically stalled. Well, he couldn’t manage to move his shoulders alternately back in a circle. He was already seated, and the movements were divided into components, and they moved his hands so that he could feel the movement. No way!

And here I am watching: another attempt, Matvey makes, the girl looks. He starts moving. Her: "No." He tries differently. She again: "No." Well, he really doesn't do that, I see. And I also see how with every “no” it’s not even longing that grows in his eyes - doom.

She didn't scold. This "no" was completely neutral, just a statement of fact. But for Matvey at that moment, the best support was to hear HOW HE DEVELOPED. This would allow him to understand WHERE TO STRIKE NEXT. After all, every time he did it a little more correctly, or at least a little bit differently, I could also clearly see this from the outside.

In defense of the specialist girl, I want to say that she seems to be new. And she tried very hard too. The trouble is that she tried to do everything RIGHT. The ability to HELP THIS SPECIFIC CHILD IN THE BEST WAY (even if it means not everything, not everything is correct and not everything is complete) is already the next level. Comes with experience.

My personal and professional experience confirms that criticism is more likely to demotivate. And the right support allows you to move mountains. Yesterday I proved it again.

There was another expert in the class. She hardly interfered. But at some point (between exercises) she came up and said: “You see how well you did.” Matvey was clearly grateful to her for these simple words.

And when he could not deal with his hands, she sat down next to him and suggested: “Let's imagine that you are in a boat. On the oars. Can you row? Here you go! And the pirates are chasing you. Show me how you row!" And things slowly moved forward.

Active participation, support, focus on achievements - that's what helps us move forward, overcoming difficulties.

And another game. Have you noticed how many trainings in a game format have appeared on the Internet lately? The game helps even adults to overcome resistance, inertia and achieve results. It is definitely like air is necessary for children! And make no mistake, it can help teenagers too. Try with a teenager or for a teenager to BEAT boring - you will see that your efforts will not go unrewarded!

Please tell us how you support your children in what causes them difficulties and / or resistance? And what helps you move forward yourself?

Psychologist Yulia Guseva answers the question:

- At the age of 1-2 years, the result of his activity is not very important for a child, he first of all enjoys the process of interacting with the material (plasticine, paper, pencil). But after about 2-3 years, the result is already important for the child. The child begins to compare himself with other children and adults and the comparison is not always in favor of the child. For example, a child assembles a constructor, makes some kind of craft, and at some point something goes wrong. The child begins to get annoyed, sometimes cry, it happens that he quits what he started to do. Why is this happening and how can you help your child? This kind of behavior is common in preschoolers. There is nothing terrible in this. The child’s will is not yet sufficiently formed to finish the work he has begun, especially when it comes to an activity that is designed for a long time.

When a child does not succeed, at this moment he first of all needs the presence of parents or other adults. The easiest way is to sit next to him and try to deal with his difficulties, to delve into the problem. For example, a child collects Lego, but the result is not an airplane, but something else. Check the work of the child step by step: most likely, you will see that a few steps ago he made a mistake. Come back, correct the mistake together, and you will see that the child has calmed down and is ready to continue working on his own. Why does the child need help in this case? The fact is that the thinking of a child is not yet as developed as the thinking of an adult. Therefore, the child can not immediately guess that at some stage he made a mistake. And it is also difficult for him to understand what his mistake is. And an adult usually sees immediately what the problem is. It is important for a child to get a positive experience of finding, correcting his own mistakes together with an adult, then later he will be able to correct them on his own. Often there are situations when a child takes on a lot of work that is not easy to do at one time. And of course, he really wants to finish what he started, but he is already tired, and therefore it is difficult for him to complete what he started. In these cases, parents usually offer the child a rest. However, look at the child. If you see that it is important for him to finish the work, then offer to finish the job together. Let's say a child makes an application, you can cut it out, and the child can stick it on. Or vice versa. Do not complete the craft for the child, but do not refuse to help him. And sometimes there is enough parental presence and words of support: “You are doing great, I really like it!”.

When working with preschoolers, I offer parents the “When You Were Little” technique. This technique can be used at any age when the first “I can’t” appears. For some children it is 2-3 years, for others it is a little later. Usually, children who have learned to compare themselves with themselves at an earlier age, by the older preschool age, already effectively use this technique themselves. The reception helps the child to see what he has learned over the years of his life and see the prospect of growth. The essence of the reception is very simple. It is necessary to tell the child that he did not know how to do something before, did not know, but now he has learned and knows. At the same time, it is important not to speak in general phrases that the child does not perceive well. For example, you need to avoid such phrases: “You used to know nothing, but now you can do a lot of things”, “You were small, and now you are big”, etc. Such phrases will not help the child, they rather disorient him even more. Try to tell as specifically, in detail, emotionally as possible, you can add a little artistic fiction. For example, you are going to make an application, and your daughter says: “I won’t cut it, I still won’t succeed. You cut well, you better cut." What to do? Tell your child a story:

“Do you want me to tell you how you couldn’t drink from a cup?”

- So here it is. You were small. You weren't even a year old yet. You were sitting on a chair and I gave you some water in a cup. Do you know what you did? You took the cup, turned it over and poured all the water on the table. And do you know what she did? Slap your hands on the water! That's how funny you were! Are you pouring water now? No, you drink well and very carefully from a cup. Because you have learned. Has grown up. And I practiced a lot. Before, you always drenched yourself when you drank, but now you don't. Previously, you could not take off your socks, but now you can not only take them off, but also put them on, you are very good at dressing.

The theme of the stories depends on your imagination. Save the child's drawings, his crafts. You can compare old and current drawings. When teaching writing, be sure to keep the old recipes. Children are happy to look at the squiggles that they wrote some time ago, compare them with the current result. All this increases the child's self-confidence, increases motivation, the desire to do something on their own.

This kid doesn't want to study at all! So smart, quick-witted grew up. At the age of 2, he already knew letters and colors. And as he read poetry - everyone on the playground envied. And now, how did they change it ... Why does he have such a dislike for school? Such exclamations of parents are not uncommon. Quite often, psychologists are approached by parents of children who do not want to study, go to school, and do not show interest in learning as such. Mothers and grandmothers (namely, they are often involved in their education) sound the alarm, scold, shame, draw an unseemly future for the “lazy person”, demand, and sometimes it comes to a belt. Then, in powerlessness to do anything, they seek help from a psychologist. Let's try to figure out why children do not want to study, who is to blame for this and what to do.

Possible reasons for not wanting to study

Among the reasons why children do not want to go to school, we can single out the main 5. They should be read by parents who are faced with a similar situation, absolutely impartially, without trying on what was written for themselves. Then, having calmly considered what they read, reflect on how the description resembles the real problems that have arisen in their lives that their children have encountered. In the next section, tips will be given to get out of the described situations.

• Parents took responsibility for their education.

This case is quite common nowadays. Having given birth to a baby, the mother takes care of his every step, every word, every action. When a child begins to study at school, the mother does homework with him (and sometimes practically for him), collects his portfolio, she is always aware of all school affairs. The child himself is completely deprived of the right to vote, and he also loses the need to think and do something on his own. Everything has already been decided by my mother. Sometimes the grandmother acts as a total "guardian".

How does the mother (grandmother) feel about this? Realizing that it is quite difficult to study at school now, she takes upon herself the right to help a “small, unintelligent” child. Also, the following slogan is currently common among mothers: “I will do everything for my child!” Help and attention is very important for the baby, if you do not go too far.

Another similar situation is total control. It differs from the previous one in that the parent does not seek to do his school duties for the child himself, but constantly gives orders that the baby executes. The process of completing the lessons is regulated over the shoulder by a vigilant controller, the children sit down for lessons not when they want, but when they are ordered, the collection of the backpack also takes place under the insistent "advice" of the dictator. But the result with this behavior of the parents is the same: the son or daughter has no responsibility regarding school affairs.

As a result, the child does not want to study. What is the first thing parents do to ensure that schooling (particularly grades) is not affected? In the first case, guardianship is increased, in the second - control. If you continue in the same spirit, you can "break" the will of the child. And for those who still resist, such behavior causes protests: scandals, conflicts, laziness, absenteeism, dislike for school.

• Lazy genius.

If a child has outstanding abilities from childhood, parents predict a bright future for him. Imagine their disappointment when a little genius suddenly declares that he is not interested in school and does not want to learn anything. Such children go to classes under duress, and as a result, academic performance suffers. Moms and dads are bombarded with numerous complaints from teachers, and the class teacher asks to take action. And the parents do not know what to do, do not know how to overcome his laziness.

• Lack of need for new knowledge.

Above was a negative example of overprotection of a child. There is another side of the coin: children who are actually brought up “on the street” may have good natural data regarding mental development, but the lack of parental attention and communication with educated people does not allow such children to develop a cognitive interest. In other words, children do not have the need to learn something new. If, thanks to natural data, they can study well in elementary school, then problems arise in the middle classes - the child does not see the point in learning. And parents often can't do anything about it.

• Conflict situations at school.

Often children do not want to go to school because of difficulties with classmates or teachers. In this situation, the unwillingness to learn is a secondary factor. The child spends his energy and attention on problems, but there is not enough strength for learning.

• "Poor sick man."

Children with various illnesses, which are known to the class teacher and teachers, often feign seizures and ailments. All pity them, make indulgences, treat them condescendingly. At home, you can pretend to be sick and not go to class, and if you get tired of studying, you can go to the hospital. The most important thing: no one will strictly ask for absenteeism, a decent grade is “stretched” out of pity. Then a reasonable question arises in the child: why study hard and go to school, if everything will be so?

What to do?

We looked at some of the reasons why a child does not want to study. Now let's move on to the most interesting. What advice can you give to parents? We will analyze it in the same way, according to situations.

1. With excessive guardianship and control on the part of parents, it is worth listening to a psychologist and letting go of the reins. Many parents will ask themselves: why this measure will work? Will the child roll completely into deuces? It is worth immediately warning moms and dads that taking responsibility for yourself is a long process. At first, academic performance will fall, as the child, having escaped from oppression, will begin to do what he was forbidden for a long time. Then he will feel that being a loser is not so pleasant, and he will take the first steps towards improving academic performance. As soon as the child feels the taste of success, he will no longer be able to refuse it. He will finally come to the realization that making mistakes is not so scary, but getting a reward for work is very nice!
2. In the case of the lazy genius, the problem is that the gifted child has been praised since childhood for being quick and smart. But this is just a natural given, like hair color or height. He thinks: why should I make an effort, study, in order to get the approval of parents and teachers, if I am naturally gifted and have always admired me just like that? Based on the high potential given at birth, one should learn and acquire knowledge that will be useful in life. This is what needs to be explained to the lazy genius.

   Also, according to the psychologist, if a child clearly differs from his classmates in the level of development and is bored in the classroom, it is worth choosing a specialized school for him, where a complicated program will help him feel the “taste of new knowledge”. This will have a positive effect on performance.

3. The situation with the lack of need for new knowledge is sad, but quite common. Parents can develop a cognitive interest in a child, but due to the specifics of this situation, this is most often impossible. It will be happiness for the child if the teachers at school instill in him an interest in at least one subject. The one closest to him. Having planted a spark of knowledge in the soul of a child, one can kindle a fire that requires more and more new knowledge. Fortunately, such sensitive and caring teachers are quite common.
4. If there are problems at school with classmates or a teacher, parents should delicately explain the situation. When all the nuances are clear, you need to think about ways to resolve the conflict. If you cannot do this on your own, you should seek the help of a psychologist.
5. To avoid the occurrence of such a situation, you should carefully communicate with a child with a chronic illness. We must not allow him to begin to manipulate parents, and this applies not only to the problem when children do not want to go to school, but in general behavior in life. But if a problem has arisen, then convincing a child that it is impossible to live at the expense of the sympathy of others is a titanic work that can drag on for a long time. The best thing to do is to take the advice of a professional psychologist.

Underlay straws, or how to prevent an unpleasant situation

Often a child's soul is darkness for parents. The advice of a psychologist will help to understand the possible reasons for the rejection of school and study. But it is always easier to warn than to understand what happened later, to ask the question: “Why?” and think what to do.

Tips for parents of preschoolers will help prevent future reluctance to learn.

1. Kindergarten age is the time to teach a child to learn, to work. Oddly enough, you need to get used to the process of systematic learning, it should become a constant companion of the baby (and in the future - an adult) in life.
2. Give your child more freedom to express themselves. From the age of 4, he must dress himself for kindergarten, have household chores, remember to do homework (in kindergartens at this age, kids already have math classes).
3. Cultivate perseverance in the baby, bring what you started to the end. This applies to crafts, drawings and other similar activities. Only you can not insist and force the child to complete what he started. You can, for example, offer to take a break and return to business later. But be sure to come back to see the result.
4. When the baby sees the result of his work, he must certainly be praised. Feeling success, he will strive for approval every time. Thus, it will be deposited in his head: in order to receive praise, you need to work hard.
5. Do not force the child with an abundance of activities and circles, do not deprive him of games and childhood. Thus, from preschool age, you can already discourage the desire to learn.
6. Do not set high standards for the baby that exceed its capabilities. Failure makes some kids give up. Subsequently, the child will be afraid that as a result of training he will make a mistake and receive a negative reaction from his parents, whose opinion is more important to him than anyone in the world.

What if the child does not want to study? First of all, don't blame him! Adults need to look at the situation, find the cause and think of a solution. If you wish, you can always contact a professional psychologist who will help you figure out what happened and tell you the right way out. Peace and tranquility to your family!