Family happiness is a fragile concept that can easily be destroyed by the wrong word, action or lie. Often, many women tend to suspect their husband of cheating, but how to determine whether this is true or is it just a figment of the imagination?
The husband has a second family - words that sound like a bolt from the blue for every woman. Upon learning of the existence of a rival, many give up, become depressed or start a bitter war without warning. What to do is the choice of each, however, before you begin to act, you need to make sure that your suspicions are not speculation. In most cases, women learn about the second family in the following way:
- A call from a mistress - a woman is also fighting for her happiness, trying to destroy her family. The phone may receive a call, an SMS message, you may be sent a photo where your betrothed is in the arms of another.
- SMS messages - correspondence with the second wife on the husband's phone. Correspondence can also be in social networks.
- Chance meeting (I saw my husband on the street with his mistress).
- Recognition of a man is a rare case when a man himself admits the existence of a second woman.
- Traces of "love" - a lipstick print on a collar, on a cheek, scratches, lingerie in a pocket, a postcard with someone else's name, etc. If a man does not have a certain accuracy, then, most likely, after a while you will definitely notice traces of the existence of a mistress.
Stories of real women
There are many stories about how women learn about the existence of a second family from their man. Someone forgives the traitor, someone kicks him out of the house in disgrace, and someone suffers for years and does not know what to do. In any case, each of them suffered great stress, but still did not give up and decided, by all means, to find out the whole truth.
Larisa, 35 years old, accountant
Two years ago, I learned that my beloved husband had a second family. I am not one of the jealous women who follow their partners everywhere, read messages on social networks and on the phone. No, I used to trust. I can say that my trust has ruined me. Now, after several years, I understand that there were alarming calls in the form of frequent business trips, constant meetings at work and night calls from unknown colleagues, but then everything suited me. And so, once again, my husband went on a "business trip", I was going to have dinner. Suddenly I received a call from an unknown number on my phone, I picked up the phone. The woman spoke. The whole conversation was in a fog, I remember that she said that she had been living with my V. for three years and now they were expecting a baby. She asked me to step back and not ruin their happiness. For a long time I couldn't believe what I was hearing. She was waiting for her husband. Three days later he returned, and I asked him directly. Surprisingly, he didn't lie. He said that he wanted to confess for a long time, but did not know how. I was shocked by what I heard. I still can't forgive. After all, I gave so many years to our marriage, and he just took it and trampled everything.
Elena, 50 years old, cashier
It seemed like a solid marriage. More than 20 years together. I had 100% confidence in him. As it turned out in vain. We have two adult children, a large cozy house, everything was fine. I did not see any prerequisites for the appearance of a mistress. Of course, over the long years of living together, a lot has been gone through - jealousy, scandals, and tears, but we have overcome all the troubles. My husband spent every weekend at home, he went on business trips every two or three months, after work he also always came home. I had no suspicions that there was another woman. I found out about the second family by accident. I walked out of the store, my husband was, as he told me, at work. And suddenly on the other side of the street I notice a familiar coat. I was delighted, I thought, was preparing a surprise for me. But unexpectedly, a young lady with a child came out of the cafe building, where my "betrothed" was standing. And guess who she went to? That's right, my husband. They kissed and went somewhere. At home, a scandal awaited him with everyone around him. It was hard, long conversations, tears, explanations. For several months, a series of incessant apologies and late-night conversations in the kitchen dragged on. In the end, I decided to forgive. Yet so many years together. Now the husband behaves perfectly, wears in his arms, looks after. The second youth began, but still the sediment remained.
Anna, 42, assistant director
I can’t say that my relationship with my husband has always been perfect. They often swore, quarreled, several times wanted to get a divorce, but still put up. Probably stopped by the kids. I didn't want to be a single mother. The fact that her husband had an affair on the side suspected for a long time. I cannot say that I am ugly or unkempt, no, I have more than enough fans. However, he seemed to be missing something. I turned a blind eye to his lateness, night shifts and lipstick on his collar. Everything was built from herself as a naive girl who believes his every word. This went on for a year, until one day my friend came to me. It turns out that she saw a long-legged blonde get into his car, and judging by their passionate kiss, this is not just a colleague. That day I had to open my eyes and stop pretending. She and her husband divorced, now both are happy in a new relationship. We keep in touch with each other. I do not hold evil.
Marina, 27 years old, housewife
My ex-husband wants to live in two families. I learned about this from him. We were married for only 5 years. For family life, this is not the time. Happiness overflowed, as I thought. They thought about children, built a country house. Everything went on as usual, until one evening my husband ruined our happiness. Came home with flowers and champagne, said there was a conversation. I thought that the occasion was probably good, since I prepared like that. It turned out not. After a glass of champagne, my husband told me that he met a beautiful girl and fell in love with her with all his heart. But here's the dilemma - and he loves me too. He offered to live together or alternately - a week with her, a week with me. She put her bags out the door, without listening to all his plans for the future. I don't regret anything.
There are a great many such stories - someone tells himself about his "adventures", someone is caught red-handed. Of course, you can guess about the second family on your own - friends, colleagues, relatives can tell you about this fact. In addition, it is quite easy to notice that money began to flow out of the family budget quite easily.
If your husband has changed, has become less likely to be at home, take better care of himself, disappear at work and stop paying attention to you as a woman, you should start sounding the alarm.
The second family - forgive or divorce?
After you find out that your husband has a second family and a child from another, you need to start acting. Remember, inaction is also your choice.
Advice! Don't cut in haste. Let your emotions subside a little, calm down and only then start a conversation. Shouts, mutual reproaches, scandal will not allow you to understand the reasons for what happened.
Intimate talk
How to talk with your husband on this rather sensitive topic? The issue is complex and requires more attention. So, a heart-to-heart conversation should be based on several rules:
- Calm down, don't be nervous. The conversation should take place in a calm atmosphere. Avoid yelling and accusations.
- Ask your husband what he lacked in your family life.
- Try not to get emotional - be cold and reserved.
- Try to listen to all the arguments that a man will bring
- Don't jump to conclusions right away. You will need some time to make a final decision.
Attention! Never compare yourself with a mistress who has appeared. You risk getting a lot of unjustified complexes. For example, her legs are slimmer than mine. Or the chest is more magnificent, etc. Remember, a man is looking on the side of what is missing at home. Therefore, it is important to listen to all the wishes of the spouse in time. For example, experiments in bed, a new haircut, clothing style, etc.
Divorce or Forgiveness?
After all the arguments and explanations are heard, there comes a moment that determines everything. A woman must decide whether she forgives her husband or files for divorce. In both cases, it is necessary to act according to the situation - listen to your inner feelings and answer honestly the following questions:
- Can you forgive a person?
- Will you not remind him of what happened at every quarrel?
- Will you be tormented by jealousy and thoughts that the situation will happen again?
It is important that you clearly understand that you will have an uphill struggle with your inner self, which will constantly remind you that your loved one has betrayed you.
Many decide the issue in the direction of reconciliation, solely because of the desire to save a family for children. Someone manages to forget the mistake of the second half over time, someone does not. In any case, if in doubt, it is worth trying to give the person a second chance.
Work on bugs
To ensure that this situation does not happen again, it is necessary to work on the bugs.
- Listen to the wishes of the spouse (appearance, sex life, leisure, etc.)
- Talk - do not hush up your discontent, problems or complaints. Discuss everything in a calm manner, without shouting or insisting on anything. It is important that you learn to listen to each other.
- Do not remind the man of his mistake - otherwise you risk repeating the situation.
Wanting to return the former passion and feelings, do not get carried away. Remember that you are also a living person and you have your own fears, desires, dreams. Talk to your partner, mark the boundaries of what is permitted clearly and very clearly. For example, okay, dear, you will go fishing this weekend if we spend the whole day together today. Do not be afraid to seem like a blackmailer - you have every right to do so.
Advice! If you intend to save the family, try to look at the situation from the perspective of your spouse. Perhaps you yourself were the cause of the betrayal that occurred. Very often, men leave their wives due to frequent scandals, increased jealousy, and inappropriate behavior.
me or her
Putting before a man the choice "I or she", you must be prepared for the fact that he will not choose you. However, sooner or later, in any case, you will come to this question. Of course, unless you are ready to put up with the state of affairs for years.
Such a game, in which both women are aware of the existence of each other, can continue for a long time. Until one of the rivals gets bored.
Bigamist - I want to have two families
But what if the husband himself wants to live in two families and his choice is conscious and fully satisfies his vital needs? In this case, everything is decided by a woman.
Reconciliation or breakup?
Answering the question of what to do - reconcile or divorce, we can say that there are only two options for the development of the situation.
- Humility. You continue to live with your husband, knowing that he has another woman. Remember, this is your choice too, so you can’t blame him every time. Not everyone is ready to wait for a spouse, knowing that at that time he is in the arms of another.
- Divorce. The second wife is the prerogative of Eastern men. For them, this is natural, which cannot be said about our mentality. Having made the decision to divorce, you will start a new life, without regard for betrayal.
Advice! If you have forgiven a man and accepted him back, never remind him of what happened. Do not reproach at any opportunity that he cheated on you and started a second family. This can interfere with rebuilding relationships. Try to start from scratch.
Children in the second family: what to do?
If your husband managed not only to have a second wife, but also to give birth to children, the question becomes more acute. The child's psyche is not ready for such information, therefore, all proceedings, showdowns should take place in maximum ignorance for the child.
- If you decide to forgive your spouse, you need to establish contact with his child. Do not forbid them to see each other, invite the baby to visit, give gifts for the holidays. Remember, the child is not to blame for this situation.
- With a divorce, everything is much simpler, having a child in a second family will only speed up the process.
It is important to observe the following rules:
- Never reproach his father in front of a child
- Don't talk about how your child's mother ruined your happiness.
- Do not turn the baby against his parents (your spouse)
- Try to befriend him
- Don't let them see you
- Humble yourself - the presence of a child will not change in any way. You just have to accept this fact.
- Try to explain as softly as possible the fact that dad loves him, and the fact that he (dad) lives with you will not affect their communication in any way.
The husband has a second family - the advice of a psychologist can help desperate women in this situation.
- Make an informed decision. Answer for yourself the question - what is the foundation of your relationship. If love, then the choice in favor of divorce is obvious. If you have material wealth, then you can forgive treason quite easily.
- Do not reproach yourself for what happened - except for depression, this will not lead to anything good.
- Make a list of your spouse's positive and negative qualities to help you make a decision. Remember everything that does not suit you, what you like in family life, what you are offended by or for which you are grateful to your spouse.
- Take a break. Find a new hobby, go to the sea, take a vacation. Get your thoughts in order. It is possible that your love has long passed and nothing but the habit of being around is holding you back.
- If you decide to forgive your husband, do not gnaw yourself from the inside, do not compare and do not think of your rival as the ideal woman. Work on your self-esteem and appearance.
- Don't hold grudges. Share your experience with a loved one.
- Delete shared photos, remove everything from the house that reminds you of your former family life.
In order to survive the betrayal of her husband will require a lot of effort. Do not take dirty linen out of the hut, do not tell everyone about what happened. Trust someone alone, cry, tell about the sore, complain. Do not keep anger in yourself, because it is it that can cause many diseases.
Whether you decide to forgive or divorce, you will have to start your life over with a clean slate. Leave all resentments and fears in the past, start living according to your desires, find a new hobby and you will see how the world around you will change.
Comments 0"I live in two families and do not know what to do in this situation!" were the first words of my client.
Life in two families is not part of the myth of male polygamy, but a completely ordinary situation from our real life. This story is one of those that we regularly hear from our acquaintances.
Women who find themselves in a similar situation are familiar with feelings of hopelessness, resentment and fear. And even those who are happy in marriage, probably listened to and reassured their girlfriends more than once, complaining about male infidelity, "inherent in them by mother nature."
We are used to blaming a man and his masculine nature in many ways. We lived together for so many years, and the result is another family on the side, albeit not officially registered! But what brings a man to such a situation? What prevents him from making a choice?
There are many reasons. It is difficult to leave your wife, as there are obligations to the family, the fear of losing the location of the children, the fear that the new relationship will lose its charm. And many more doubts of fears that overcome a man facing a choice. The decision in which family to live may not be taken by a man for years. During this time, children grow up, the desire to change the situation fades away, and the habit of living in two houses arises. And it's getting harder and harder to make an unambiguous decision, because there are many "buts".
"But" is the eternal companion of each of us, we make a choice every second, we just don't notice it sometimes, because not all decisions are given to us with difficulty. The decision to drink coffee or tea for breakfast may cause us a moment of confusion, but will be taken in favor of what we really want. In situations of personal relationships, everything is much more complicated.
As a result, we suffer ourselves, torture others, bring situations to a "hopeless" and begin to assure ourselves that "there is no justice in this world" or complain about the fate that, like a chronicle, someone wrote before we were born. But we ourselves write the chronicle of our life, and it depends only on us whether this story will be about a happily lived time or about the suffering of several people.
The hero of my story wanted to leave the family and even told his wife about it, but did not dare to talk about it with the child. Do not rush to condemn a man in such a situation! Talking to your own child can be the most difficult step for a man. A man is not only afraid of losing the favor and love of his own children, but he is afraid of destroying his own image of a "good father", because good dads do not leave their families. But adults sometimes do not understand that their children know or guess about everything that happens in the family, and no less than adults suffer from a situation of uncertainty. According to statistics, 11% of children in families with divorces will divorce themselves in the future, and 8% of children who grew up in intact families. Agree not too critical difference in percentage?
The more my client tried to shield his own teenage child from marital problems, the worse their relationship got. The more he tried to improve relations in both families, the more problems arose. The wife did not want to give, the woman with whom he lived wanted an officially registered relationship, the child wanted to understand what was happening between father and mother.
Everything is possible, the only question is the ability to negotiate. I know families where people live in two families for years, without hiding it. But personal happiness in such situations is the exception rather than the rule. Not every woman is ready to share her man with someone else. But everyone is free to choose for himself what he wants and what responsibility he is ready to bear for his own choice.
Each of the participants in the "family drama" needs to decide for himself what I am ready / ready for in such a situation. Do not deceive yourself with empty promises that a man will definitely leave the family because he loves. Yes, maybe he loves and very much, but his own fears do not allow him to leave his wife and children for 5 years now. Do not think that a man will come to his senses and return to the family, and everything will be again, as it was in the first years of marriage. Yes, it might come back, but for how long? Love relationships on the side, I emphasize love relationships, not sexual affairs, are unlikely to be the result of a happy marriage.
It is necessary to understand what we ourselves want and expect from a relationship with a loved one, then muster up the courage and voice our own wishes.
We suffer from the fact that someone does not live up to our expectations. Every time we encounter this, we feel betrayed. But who is deceiving us? Are not our own fantasies? Share your own desires with a man, even if he does not make a choice in your favor. Then you will not waste your own precious time on someone who will never give you a harmonious relationship.
Do not judge wives and mistresses, do not judge men who are trying to make a decision: a family or a new marriage. By judging each other, we become hostages of our own emotions, which sometimes do not give us the opportunity to see a way out of this situation.
Trying to clarify the situation for themselves, women often behave too persistently, persuading, demanding, scandal. But the paradox is that such behavior only pushes your loved one away from you, and spoils your attitude towards him.
Where to take love on the "field of constant battles"?
Do not put pressure on a man, forcing him to make a decision. Give him time. If you are not satisfied that he "thinks for a long time", it is better to take care of your own life in such a situation. Do not turn your inner world into the service of one single "deity" - the man for whom you are "fighting" with your wife or mistress. In any case, you will lose, because the trophy may not be love for you, but the decision that a very tired man made.
The hero of my story made his choice, he left both families. His wife came out a second time.
I don’t know how my client’s life turned out, but I sincerely wish him to find the happiness that he lacked so much.
Comment on the article "Choose me ..."
Every person must think. If a person cannot make a decision, it means that he lacks some information.
The most important thing in this situation is honesty. Everyone should know what everyone thinks.
I myself am now in a situation of making a choice. I have already spoken honestly with my wife, now I am waiting for a calm answer from her.
Alas, in addition to the happiness of a man, the happiness of the family and children lies on the scales. The choice is difficult and the real choice is made once in a lifetime.
I want to say one thing, there is always a choice, it's just that men are too cowardly to make it and take responsibility for their choice. and I completely disagree that you need to give him time to think, and so on, he will think for years, as he thought in the article for five years !! if a man does not make a decision, he just waits to be accepted for him, either his wife or mistress
07.08.2010 02:42:54,Total 6 messages .
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Based on the experience of my observations of clients who deal with the problem of the appearance of a second family with her husband, several common points can be distinguished.
Polygamous husbands (meaning non-Muslim men) are most often united by:
- constitutionally high sexuality (potency),
- parental family with betrayals and divorces,
- relatively high material wealth and career growth,
- as well as developed responsibility for the family and children.
Usually such a man starts a mistress after 10-15 years of married life, falling passionately in love during some age or family crises. And he makes it clear to his mistress that he has long fallen out of love with his lawful spouse or refers to his wife's frigidity. It is even possible to declare the wife of a patient, no longer capable of sexual intercourse due to gynecological problems. And the “unfortunate” lives with her only because of the children.
These words are very inspiring to the mistress, and she begins to wage a real battle for a decent, confident, financially independent man, to take him away from his wife and give birth to a child as soon as possible in order to keep him.
If a mistress in a fight with a rival wife allows a man to feel like a real male in these relationships and he finds in her something that does not satisfy him in the character and behavior of his wife, then he gradually has thoughts about a child. However, with the advent of a common child, a man is not going to divorce his wife.
Not only that, he and his wife are united by children, a common past, familiar family traditions, habits, a jointly acquired house and household. Realizing that her husband is unfaithful to her, the wife begins to diligently change for the better. Her head suddenly stops hurting, her sexual appetite increases, she looks prettier before her eyes (money does not count for fitness, beauty salons).
And even if a loving wife finds out about a child on the side, she would never want to give her own husband to someone else's impudent, unscrupulous woman. The decision to fight for her husband is reinforced not only by love, but also by financial dependence on her husband.
On the part of the wife, manipulations with children begin, jealousy intensifies. The husband swears his love to his wife, children and remains in the family. At the same time, he appeals to the conscience of his wife that he, as a decent person, should not only visit, but also fully provide for the child, sometimes more than one (apartment, car and everything else).
For some time, everything suits the husband: beloved women prove their love to him more and more. However, over time, manipulation, jealousy, tantrums, reproaches of wives and a feeling of guilt with constant tension due to the need to live in two families already begin to affect the nerves, health, quality of work, the amount of earnings, when costs increase every day ...
The legal wife begins to worry about her husband's health. What will she do if something happens to him? After all, her husband provided for her all her life, and she was engaged only in children and housework. How to endure when an impudent mistress simply robs her own family? And how to cope with constant worries about the betrayal of her husband, anxiety for the future of children, with depression hidden behind diseases? The running around for doctors, astrologers, psychics, psychotherapists begins ...
When a lawful wife comes to a psychologist, during psychotherapy one has to clarify the request more than once in order to understand what is really behind the question: “How to live with this?”.
If the most important thing for her is by all means keep the husband in the family, then it is important to work on overcoming psychological dependence on a husband, jealousy, forgiveness and acceptance of a husband who, by the will of fate, equally belongs to two women and two families.
When a wife, with the help of a specialist, takes responsibility for her choice to stay with her husband, who lives in two families, this is done in order to preserve her physical and mental health and the health of her beloved but unfaithful husband.
This is quite a difficult job for a family psychologist. And there is no guarantee that overcoming codependency will not lead to the fact that the wife will no longer experience sexual interest in her husband and she will have new plans and requests.
And if the wife comes with a request overcome emotional and sexual dependence on her husband to break up with him, then this problem is more easily resolved after the necessary resources are found to overcome anxiety and uncertainty, new goals and strategies of behavior are defined and refined.
However, each family psychologist will apply his own approach and his own tools of influence to fulfill the client's request, depending on his specialization in one direction or another of psychotherapy.
K. M., N. Novgorod
Immature love
“As a rule, two types of men fall into a “double” situation,” a reader of AiF comments on the letter. psychologist Anna Khnykina. - The first one is too dependent on the opinions of others, he himself cannot make a decision and make a choice. He acts like he has nothing to do with it. A typical example is the hero of Oleg Basilashvili from the movie "Autumn Marathon". A man and his wife, and his mistress, and he is afraid to offend himself - after all, he himself does not know what is best for him in this situation.
The second type is the masters of life. Today, among rich people, having a second family is considered the norm. They say they can afford it. Many take their “parallel” wives abroad, the children go to local schools there.”
I have a friend who had an affair with a married man and became a "second wife" for several years. And what was her horror when this man infected her with a venereal disease. It turns out that even having two life partners, he managed to cheat on both of them from the third! And ... with a former mistress. It flooded, they say ... As a result, all four were treated together. “Is this a normal person? He is a moral monster, a scoundrel, a traitor, ”the friend wept bitterly. And for me it was bitter that this nasty incident did not force her to break off relations. She left the "harem" only a few years later in complete depression after a series of new betrayals.
“A man loves two women? From the point of view of psychiatry, this is not a deviation, - says A. Khnykina. - The question is only in ethical assessments. Such "double", "triple" love is similar to the real one. But this love is immature, in which a person only takes and gives nothing. A morally mature man will not live in parallel in two families. Relationships in a couple give a person integrity. And relationships with several partners are multiplicity, which is morally exhausting. I have not seen a person who would be proud and say: "Here, I have so many wives in parallel." The number of children - yes, men are proud. But at the same time, they prefer not to spread how many women they were born from.
In a real oriental harem there is an internal structure. Each wife has her own duties, her own functions, each is part of the system. But in our culture, if a man starts several parallel families, his women one way or another, sooner or later, will begin to tear him to pieces and demand the impossible - to be both there and here at the same time. But a man physically will not be able to give both everything that women need - warmth, affection, care, attention. As a result, he feels torn apart and guilty before everyone.To the question “Why do men behave this way and start several families?” there is a simple answer: because women go for it! And the desire to deceive everyone and get comfortable has not yet brought anyone to good.
Mistress family ... strengthens?
We can talk as much as we like about what goes on in a man's head when he starts a parallel family. But this is what has always amazed me. Women are indignant all the time: “Why can’t he make a decision?” Forgetting that she can make the decision herself. For example, to leave this man, stop pretending to be a victim and wait for him to “decide”. Better yet, do not enter this river at all. As the telematchmaker Rosa Syabitova says, “do not open your mouth on someone else’s bed.”
Many married men say that they do not live a sexual life with their wife. And the mistress (she is not a “second wife” - we will call a spade a spade) begins to think that she will tie a man to her with a stormy bed. And it turns out the opposite! Getting sex with her, this person seems to fill the void in the relationship with his wife. Now he does not want to leave his wife! No matter how curious it sounds, but very often the “other” strengthens the relationship of a married couple, complements their relationship. Sometimes sex on the side gives rise to a feeling of guilt in a man towards his wife, he begins to “revenge in front of her with his tail” and build relationships.
“Why do women even become “second wives”? - A. Khnykina comments. - A man who takes a mistress positions himself most often in the noblest way: “I don’t want to ruin your life by tying it with an official marriage. If you find your man and leave, I will only be happy for you. So at first everything is very tempting.
You have everything, as if you are with your husband - you are provided, you live a sexual life, but at the same time you are free and do not bear any obligations. But... Imperceptibly addiction comes, a habit arises. It's literally like with drugs - at first you just try, and then you can't refuse ... It's interesting that both men and women in this "multiple" situation say the same thing - "I can't." “I can’t choose”, “I can’t forget”, “I can’t send”, “I can’t decide”. It's actually "I don't want to". But saying “I can’t” is much more convenient.”
Many “second wives” argue: “There are still fewer men in Russia than women. And so at least some, but I have a man.
“Firstly, “there are fewer men” not in the country, but in the head, - says A. Khnykina. - Secondly, this is contentment with little, and the position of “at least some” eventually leads to the fact that there is none.
Even if the “second wife” understands that something needs to be changed, the decision-making in time is sometimes stretched so much that it becomes too late. She is already 48. He never left his official wife. And now he wants a young mistress. Money, please. And intimate communication at some point stops.
My main practical advice: when starting a relationship with a married man, you need to understand what you are playing with. You play with your own time. When a woman decides to give birth to a married man, you need to think about this: maybe you have enough figs in your pocket, and the child will want the father's attention. And you will need to constantly invent legends that "dad is an astronaut." If you have already found yourself in the situation of a “second wife”, I think you need to build your own happiness, taking into account what you have, the psychologist advises. - There is a child and no husband. So you need a husband. Mine. At the same time, let the children maintain a relationship with the real father.
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