How to live if we have consumer relations. Consumer attitudes of men towards women

Often there are situations when a person is faced with a consumer attitude, but what this means - let's look further.

Here, for example, there is such a type of people when they remember the existence of so-called friendship only when it is beneficial. That is, the consumer attitude is, in its own way, the “use” of another person for selfish purposes.

Today we often have to deal with consumer attitudes towards people. But most often it happens that some inconsistencies occur precisely between a man and a woman.

Consumer attitude towards women

Some women often wonder why some are more lucky, what is their merit. No, they didn't do anything special. The reason lies in their men. According to how a man treats his woman, three types of attitude can be distinguished:

Unfortunately, but also in many women in the modern world, the consumer attitude towards men. Some do not even hide it and declare that they will not build a relationship with a man who does not have an apartment in the center and an expensive car.

It is worth noting that such an attitude towards a man will not bring anything good. People are happy when they make others happy. If you give love, tenderness, support, then you become happier from this. If a woman always demands something from a man, then one day she will be mentally exhausted, which means unhappy.

Restaurant. The picture is illustrative.

In the life of some couples, sometimes there comes a moment when a man sees only "borscht" in a woman, and a woman sees only a "purse" in a man. Such an attitude towards each other is called consumerism. We tell you how to notice that sincerity and warmth have disappeared from relationships, and how to return them.

Consumer relations become when one partner sees in the other only a function that can satisfy some of his needs.

For example, a woman needs a man only to bring money into the house, to be able to fix a broken tap, or to distract her from thoughts of unrequited love for another. And a man needs a woman exceptional so that there is comfort at home, or so that he can go out with her and all his friends are blinded by her beauty and envy.

“In general, in a global sense, consumerism is not so bad. The type of relationship "by offset" was formed centuries ago, when the functions of husband and wife were firmly fixed, - explains psychologist Elena Lavrova. - Therefore, physically strong women were taken as wives so that they could give birth to healthy offspring and work well in the field. To some extent, this functionality is important and necessary.”

Indeed, if we all love each other only for a quivering soul and no one does anything, this will not lead to good. “But if a loved one turns into a function, then the relationship ceases to be warm, sincere, harmonious and happy,” Elena Lavrova sums up.

To prevent this from happening, we tell you by what signs you can recognize that partners treat each other consumerly.

Sign 1: trade "you - to me, I - to you"

“I’ll pick up the child from the kindergarten, and you take out the garbage”, “You can go to a bar with friends, but only if I’m in a cafe with friends”, “Buy this droid for yourself, but then I’ll go to the spa for the whole day” .

In the male version: “I am ready to kill myself for days at work and make a career if you take good care of the children and keep the house in order”, “I will buy you a car if you give birth to a child”, “We will go on vacation to the sea only if you lose weight ".

Of course, it is very useful to have agreements on how the responsibilities of partners in the family are distributed.

“But if the imaginary list of what a husband or wife should do prevails over the usual human attitude towards each other, this indicates that the other person is perceived solely as a function,” explains Elena Lavrova.

Sign 2: Demand "you must/you must"

Every person has an idea of ​​the ideal partner. For example, a woman is one who cooks, cleans, looks good, is sweet, gentle, or, conversely, is a purposeful careerist. A man is one who cares, strong, confident, or, conversely, sensual, attentive.

And each person expects that these ideas will coincide with reality. But no one is obliged to conform to other people's ideals. “As soon as the requirement “you must” appears, this means that a person cannot be accepted as he is, but is perceived as a thing with a certain functionality that should work properly,” Elena Lavrova believes.

If the wife is allergic to dust and cannot clean, but offers to hire a cleaner with her hard-earned money, and the husband is categorically against it, this indicates his consumer attitude.

Sign 3: dissatisfaction

And, like any consumer dissatisfied with the quality of the purchased goods, a person is ready to make claims: “You are a woman, why are you so rude / slovenly / uneconomical?”, “You are a man, why are you not successful / confident / assertive?”

It is clear that there is no limit to perfection, and it is not bad if a partner helps to develop. But, you see, a loving person who is afraid of hurting a loved one will choose completely different wording in order to point out shortcomings and express his wishes.

Sign 4: Denying the Interests of the Other

A typical marker of consumer attitude at the stage when the relationship is just being established is the phrase "I'm interested in you and I like you, but I'm not ready for a serious relationship." Or "You're so wonderful, but I just went through a difficult divorce, so I'm not capable of deep feelings yet."

Many women buy into this. They think - I’ll be so good, accommodating, for sure he will change his mind over time. “Behind this phrase lies the meaning: give me more,” Elena Lavrova is sure.

The world is gradually sliding into the abyss of consumption, and this movement seems so inexorable that it affects even the most sacred and once pure areas of our relationships: love and friendship. The worst thing is that people don't notice it. And consumer relations between lovers, spouses and friends are considered the norm of life. Finding a successful partner, friend, lover has become almost the main goal of life. But the very word "successful" is already a sentence for selfless love, as it contains an unambiguous consumer meaning.

“Why do I need a loser, a bungler, a clumsy, I need only a successful and only a successful friend, partner and loved one. Surely I will surround myself with people from whom there is no sense, benefit and pleasure. No, quit! Let others deal with simpletons, but I know my worth and don’t eat anything!” - exclaims our EGO. We then think that it is we who think so, but no, it is it that fools us. Because the EGO is Mephistopheles inside each of us, who tempts, calls for pleasures and conveniences, and sets us up for a wave of consumption.

Love is intangible

Meanwhile, love and friendship are not material things. Sometimes people who are truly in love cannot even clearly define why they feel affection and craving for a loved one. Why do they feel good next to him, why do they love him. Just because he is, that's exactly the way their heart saw him. At the same time, it is not at all necessary that it will be a successful and successful handsome man with a tightly stuffed wallet.

We often wonder why there are so many disappointments, divorces and unhappy love stories. Yes, all for the same reason. We are looking for a successful partner, not love. And when we find someone who seems to fit the parameters of luck: rich, famous, smart, energetic, kind, caring, etc. etc. - we grab him like a hunter of prey, and do not want to let go of us even a step, thinking that this is our gift of fate. We found what we were looking for, and now only happiness and pleasure awaits us!

It wasn't there! What is measured and can be weighed, measured and counted, has nothing to do with love, it has to do with consumption. And if you make these figures and indicators of well-being and success the formulas of your life, then reconcile yourself to the fact that you will not see selfless relationships. You will constantly stay in the relationship “you to me, I to you” and swing the pendulum of acquisitions and settlements. It will take some time, and your freshly successful candidate may quite naturally lose ground. Get sick, get old, lose weight, gain weight, lose your business, money, etc. That is, to lose those indicators that you were guided by when choosing it. And then what? Him, and you can only sympathize.

In the world of consumption

When it comes to business, relationships with unfamiliar strangers, we quite calmly perceive this consumer component. We are already accustomed to paying extra for a cafe, restaurant, hairdresser, hotel. We give extra to doctors and teachers, in the hope that they will be attentive to us and our children. And we forget (as they forget) that this is, in fact, their job.

Living in the world of consumption, we see how materiality penetrates into art, literature, music. The whole world is based on commerce. We are used to it and even actively participate in it. But somewhere in the depths of our souls, we would like to see some areas free from consumption. We have a faint hope that these are the spheres of our close relations: love and friendship.

I can't give you anything special. Unfortunately, even initially disinterested relationships between children and parents are now being attacked by consumption. Children become the subject of bargaining and manipulation, parents are handed over to nursing homes and blackmailed with inheritance.

The biggest risk that our soul takes today is to fall in love for real and believe the one you love that he also loves you as disinterestedly as you love him.

Unfortunately, in the world of consumption, selfless relationships have no place. There are fewer and fewer people among us who are able to take this risk and in general are able to love someone other than ourselves. So we conclude not marriages, but deals, while for some reason we hope that we will get something more than a transparent “you to me, I to you”. We are waiting for some sacrifices, romantic gestures, selfless deeds. Go down to the sinful selling ground, a contract is a contract, get it according to the price list and don't show off.

Isn't it time to love others?

There was a time when we were called to be loved by others. That is, make a name for yourself, present yourself, show, present, love. And so we heeded these tips, and already love ourselves. Sometimes we even love too much, so much that we are no longer able to see and notice other people around. No, we have perfectly learned to voice non-existent feelings, we swear love to unfamiliar people right and left, it looks so simple and looks so beautiful in the comment line to our posts on social networks. But we are completely incapable of loving a specific living person with a mass of shortcomings, that is, different from our individual traits and characteristics, if these traits prevent us from admiring ourselves and violate our personal peace.

We try to get rid of them as soon as possible, losers, boring unsympathetic, troubled whiners, etc. And we do not notice that we ourselves are not perfect. And all because self-love is also a manifestation of our EGO, the same Mephistopheles who fools us, accustoming us to life in a world of consumption.

How to save love in the world of consumption?

Probably very simple and at the same time difficult, because it requires work on yourself.
Learn to see the soul of another person, regardless of the size of his wallet, success, appearance and other measured parameters. As if to penetrate the outer shell and feel its inner content.
Learn to think not only about yourself and your interests and needs, but also about the needs and desires of other people. Understand them, share them and help them realize their dreams and plans.
Helping others, a person reveals his best features and awakens in other people his inner spiritual reserves, feelings and motivations. Only penetrating beyond the outer shells, we are able to see the real face of another person.
Not to participate in consumer relations means to recognize the human value of another person as equal to you and not to see in him a way and a means of satisfying your interests.

After all, he was not created in order to become your husband, make you happy, provide for you, build a house for you or create conditions for a prosperous existence. He is the same valuable unit of the universe, for which God has his own plans. He does not exist for you, and you do not exist for him. It is not yours, it does not belong to you. He is not obliged to like you or to act as you want, have thought up or expect from him. If you understand this in all depth, then consumption will leave your relationship. Because they will be dominated by trust, mutual assistance, respect, acceptance and true love, etc.

When the closest and most important people begin to annoy, ... it means that in your mind they gradually become things designed to satisfy your desires. They do not have their own desires, aspirations of ideas. Their job is to bring you comfort. It's called "Consumer Love"...

To make it clearer what "Consumer Love" is, let's watch an amazing video. After looking at it, you will immediately understand what is " consumer love' in everyday life.

Please note that this video shows the first stage of consumer love - this is when the desires and aspirations of both coincide. The second stage is when the time comes and you are already asked to help, but this was not included in your plans ...

Two types of consumer love

As it turns out consumer love may or may not be conscious.

If the first is clear. then here's the second - not quite. And this is now happening all the time: young people start close relationships just like that. Well, because these are incredibly amazing sensations and you want to try them as soon as possible, completely forgetting that a close relationship is a responsibility for another. And such that quite often you have to forget about yourself completely, completely caring about the other. This is true love.

And any close relationship is an easy and incredibly reliable way to become very attached to each other. At the same time, young people do not particularly pay attention to the fact that close relationships, which are not initially built on a serious basis with a perspective on the future, are definitely temporary. This means that after a while, usually 1.5-2 years, you will have to pull out the attached feelings that have deeply penetrated into the heart, and this is very painful and sad. And it will be even more difficult for a girl - as a rule, it takes her at least 2-3 years to forget her past lover ... But will she be able to forget him forever? This question is especially acute if this is the so-called first love ...

"Everything passes...
but not everything is forgotten
V. E. Mikhaltsev

And this is the saddest thing - this is not only a problem for the girl herself, but also for the next guy she will meet and their future family. Will she be able to love him so strongly and deeply? .. And who will she think about in intimate moments of communication? Will it not remember the past?.. And if it is so, will it be?...

So is it worth spoiling your future family happiness because of some fleeting attraction? ..

Most men want to "get" a woman without much effort on their part. They want to enjoy all that beauty gives, without the sorrows that battle brings. This enjoyment of a woman at her expense is the evil nature of pornography. Pornography can be called the desire of a man to recharge his energy from a woman; is he uses her to feel like a man. It is an imaginary power, as I said, because it depends on external sources, instead of coming from the depths of the heart. And this is the height of selfishness. Such a man offers nothing, but takes everything. The story of Judah and Tamar tells us about this type of men. If you didn't know that this story is told in the Bible, you might think that I took it from a TV series.

Judah was the fourth son of Jacob. You must remember him as the man who came up with the idea of ​​selling his brother Joseph into slavery. Judas himself had three sons. When the eldest son grew up, Judah found him a wife named Tamar. For reasons that have not been fully revealed to us, their marriage was short-lived. "Ir, the firstborn of Judah, was objectionable in the sight of the Lord, and the Lord slew him" (Genesis 38:7). Judah gave Tamar as a husband to his second son, as required by the law and customs of that time. Onan was obliged to give birth and raise children who would bear the name of his brother, but he refused to do this. He was a proud, selfish man who angered the Lord, so "He put him to death" (Gen. 38:10). You probably already understand the general idea: when a man behaves like an egoist, and a woman suffers, God is angry.

Judah had one more son, Shelah. This boy was his last son, so Judah had no desire to give him to Tamar. So he lied to her and sent her home, saying that when Shela was old enough, he would give her him as a husband. He didn't. What followed is hard to believe, especially if you think Tamar was a virtuous woman. She disguised herself as a harlot and sat down by the road along which Judas was to pass. He slept with her (used her) but was unable to pay for her services. Tamar took his seal, baldric, and cane as collateral. After some time, it turned out that Tamar was pregnant; Judas, learning about this, was filled with righteous anger. He insists that she be burned, while Tamar presents evidence against him. "...Find out whose seal it is, and the bandage, and the cane." Judas was convicted. He didn't just recognize his stuff - he realized what he had been doing all along. "... She is more right than me, because I did not give her to Shela my son" (Gen. 38:25-26).

This cautionary tale shows us what happens when a man selfishly refuses to exercise his power for a woman. But we see things like this all the time. Beautiful women are subjected to this kind of abuse all the time. They are sought, but not in the right way; they are desired, but this feeling is superficial. They learn to offer their body, but never try to offer their soul. Most men, you see, marry to feel secure; they choose a woman next to whom they feel like real men and who does not require them to behave in a way that is appropriate for a real man. One young man I admire struggles with his feelings for two women: one he is currently dating, the other he failed to reciprocate a few years ago. Rachel, the woman he is dating, demands a lot from him; frankly, he feels that he cannot give her what she demands. Julia, a woman from whom he could not get reciprocity, seems to him a more suitable match; in his imagination it seems to him more perfect. Life next to Rachel cannot be called calm; life next to Julia seems to promise peace and quiet. "You want to live in the Bahamas," I said. "And Rachel is like the Atlantic Ocean to you. Which one of them needs a real man?" By miraculously changing the script, God is turning the plans we have made for our own security backfired and requires us to show courage.

Why don't men offer their women what they have? Because they feel it won't be enough. After the fall, some kind of emptiness formed in the soul of Eve, and no matter how much you give her, you cannot fill this emptiness. Many men stumble on this. They either refuse to give the woman what they can, or they give and give and still feel like failures, because she still needs more. "Here are the three insatiable," warns Agur, the son of Jakeev, "and the four who will not say, 'Enough! Proverbs 30:15-16). Do not even hope that you will fill the void of Eve. She needs God more than you, just as you need Him more than her.

So what should you do? Offer her what you have. "I'm afraid it won't work," one of my patients told me when I advised him to get close to his wife again. "She stopped believing that I could give her something," he confessed, "and that's good." "No, no," I said, "it's terrible!" He was heading west to meet all his relatives, and I suggested that he take his wife with him and turn this trip into a vacation for the two of them. "You need to take the first step towards her." "What if I fail?" - he asked. So many men are asking the same question. Won't work what? She will not appreciate you as a man? Can't you resurrect her feelings? Do you understand now that you cannot come with your question to Eva? No matter how masculine you are, you will not be able to please her. If you expect her to appreciate your strength, then you will inevitably get two points. But you love her not at all because she will give you a high mark. You love her because you were made to love her, which is what real men do.

Eve for Adam

My friend Jen said that if a woman lives in accordance with her nature, she will become "bold, vulnerable, and she will have a bad reputation." This is the loud cry of "churched women", whom we take as a model of Christian femininity. These busy, tired and relentless women have reduced the life of their heart to a few desires and pretend that everything is fine with them. Compare them with women whose names are inscribed in the genealogy of Jesus Christ. In the list, which consists of practically only men, Matthew mentions four: Tamar, Rahab, Ruth, and "Uriah's wife" (see: Mt. 1:3, 5-6). The fact that Bathsheba was included in this list, but her name was not given, indicates that God was not pleased with her, but highly appreciated those three women for whom He made a pleasant exception by placing their names in the men's list. Tamar, Rahab and Ruth... This list will give us a new understanding of the "biblical understanding of womanhood."

We already know about Tamar. In the Epistle to the Hebrews (ch. 11), Rahab is called "witnessed in the faith" for committing treason. That's right - she hid the spies who came to reconnaissance in Jericho before taking the city. I have never heard Tamar or Rahab spoken of in women's Bible study groups. And what about Ruth? She is often set as an example in such classes, but she is not presented as the Lord showed her to us. The book of Ruth deals with one question: how does a virtuous woman help her husband be a real man? And the answer is: she seduces him. She uses all her feminine charms to encourage him to act like a man. As you remember, Ruth was the daughter-in-law of the Jewish woman Naomi. Both had lost their husbands and were in a very deplorable position; they had no men to take care of them, they were practically beggars, and in many other respects their situation was very vulnerable. It began to improve when Ruth was noticed by a wealthy single man named Boaz. We know that Boaz was a virtuous man. He offered Ruth his protection and some food. But Boaz did not give her what she really needed—a wedding ring.

And what did Ruth do? This is how it was: in order to reap a good harvest, people worked from early dawn until late at night; after finishing the work, they arranged a celebration on this occasion. Ruth at that time smeared her body with incense, put on a stunning dress and began to wait for the right moment. That moment came late at night, when Boaz had already had a little too much to drink: "Boaz ate, and he drank, and made his heart glad..." (Ruth 3:7). The expression "cheered the heart" is used here for conservative readers. In fact, he was drunk, and the proof of this was what he did after that: he fell asleep in unconsciousness. "...And he went and lay down to sleep beside the stack" (Ruth 3:7). What happened next can only be called scandalous; in the same verse we read: "And she [Ruth] came softly, opened it at his feet, and lay down."

Ruth's behavior described in this passage is by no means "cautious" or "decent." This is pure temptation - but the Lord considers it worthy of imitation, because the story of Ruth is singled out in a separate book, included in the Bible, and her name is inscribed in the genealogy of Jesus Christ. Of course, there will be people who will try to tell you that it was quite common for a beautiful woman "of that time" to go up to a lonely man (who was drunk) in the middle of the night and crawl under his covers. These same people will tell you that the Song of Solomon is nothing but "a theological metaphor showing us the relationship of Christ and His Bride." Ask them how to understand such verses: "This camp of yours is like a palm tree, and your breasts are like bunches of grapes. I thought: I would climb a palm tree, I would grab hold of its branches ..." (Song 7:8- nine). We're reading the Bible, aren't we?

No, I don't think Ruth and Boaz made love that night; I don't think they behaved inappropriately. But I don't think they had a friendly dinner that night either. I want to tell you that the church cripples women when it tells them that their beauty is vain and that their femininity is best shown when they "serve others." A woman shows her best qualities when she behaves like a woman. Boaz needed a little nudge to get going, and Ruth had a few options. She could tease him: "You keep working and working. Why don't you stop and show yourself to be a real man?" She could tearfully ask him: "Boaz, please, don't delay, marry me." She could doubt his masculinity: "I thought you were a real man; I guess I was wrong." But in order for Boaz to show himself to be a real man, she behaved like a real woman. She appeared before him, inspired, prompted to action ... seduced. Women, ask your men what they would prefer.

This is a battle

Will you fight for her? That was the question Jesus asked me many years ago, on the eve of my tenth wedding anniversary with Stacey, just when I was asking myself what happened to the woman I married. "You're waiting for something, John,- he said. - You need to decide on something." I knew what He meant to say: stop being a nice guy and act like a warrior. Be a man. I gave Stacey flowers, took her to restaurants; I tried to resurrect the faded feelings in my heart. But I knew that something more was required of me. That night, before going to bed, I prayed for Stacey in a way I had never prayed before. Publicly, in front of all the heavenly host, I declared that I would fight for her against the forces of darkness that attacked her. To be honest, I did not quite understand what I was doing, I just wanted to accept the challenge thrown by the dragon. The whole hell fell upon us. That night began the spiritual battle that Stacey and I had read so much about before. And do you know what happened? Stacy has found freedom. As soon as I started to really fight for my wife, the tower of her depression collapsed.

It is necessary not only to endure the battle once, but to fight again and again. It is this truth that confuses us. Some men are ready to fight once, twice, maybe even a third time. In fact, a warrior must be constantly ready for battle. Oswald Chambers asks us, "The Lord sacrificed the life of His Son that the world might be saved, are you willing to sacrifice yours?" Daniel is fighting a very difficult battle for his wife, and the end of this battle is not yet in sight. For several years now, he has practically no progress, his hopes are fading. Last night, when we were sitting with him in a cafe, there were tears in his eyes, and this is what he said: "I cannot move. Near this obstacle I am destined to die." He has come to the point where sooner or later we all must find ourselves, when it is no longer a question of victory or defeat. His wife may or may not respond to his actions. This is no longer the most important thing. The question is: what kind of man do you want to be? Maximus? Wallace? Or Judas? In 1940, a young British Air Force pilot on the eve of his last flight wrote these lines: "The world is so big and so old that the fact of the existence of one person can be confirmed only if he sacrifices his life."

Today, Stacey and I were at the wedding of our friends. This wedding was the best we have ever attended - beautiful, romantic and devotional. The groom was young, strong and brave; the bride was seductively beautiful. It was these circumstances that were so painful for me. How great it would be to start over, do it right, marry a young man knowing what I know now. I could love Stacey more, more devotedly, more wholeheartedly; and she could love me more, more tenderly, more passionately. During these eighteen years, every lesson we have learned has been hard-won for us. All the knowledge that I share with you on these pages has been paid dearly. Last weekend, my relationship with Stacey was put in jeopardy, a spark ran between us. Satan seized the opportunity and managed to turn this spark into a flame, even though my wife and I didn't say a word to each other. And today, by the time we came to the banquet, I no longer wanted to dance with her. I didn't even want to be in the same room with her. It seemed that our marriage brought us only pain and disappointment.

It was only later that I realized how Stacey perceived everything that happened to us, and that's how each of us felt. Stacy: "He was disappointed in me. And this is not surprising. Just look at all these beautiful women. I feel fat and scary." I: "I'm so tired of fighting for our marriage. How I wish I could start over. It wouldn't be so hard. There are other options. Look at all these beautiful women." These thoughts returned and returned, like oncoming waves. I was sitting at a table in a circle of friends and suddenly felt that I was suffocating; I had to get out of there, get some fresh air. To be honest, when I left the banquet, I had absolutely no intention of returning there. This evening could end for me either at the bar, or at home in front of the TV. But, fortunately, next to the banquet hall, I found a small library; alone, in this shelter, I struggled with all my feelings, which tormented me, as it seemed to me, for about an hour. (Perhaps not more than twenty minutes.) I grabbed the book, but I couldn't read, I tried to pray, but I didn't feel like praying. Finally, some words began to be born in my heart:

Jesus, come and save me. I know what's going on; I know it's an attack from Satan. But at this moment my feelings seem so sincere to me. Jesus, set me free. Don't let this current take me away. Talk to me, save my heart before I do something stupid. Cleanse my soul, Lord.

Slowly, in some incomprehensible way, the wave began to subside. Passions subsided. Clarity returned. The spark became a spark again. "Jesus, You know about the pain and disappointment in my heart. What should I do?"(The bar no longer attracted me, but I still planned to go home and spend the rest of the evening in my room.) "I want you to come back and invite your wife to the dance." I knew He was right; I knew that somewhere in the depths of my soul I wanted just that. But that desire still seemed so weak. I hesitated for a few more minutes in the hope that He would offer to do something else. He was silent, but the attack of the devil stopped, and only coals remained from the fire. I knew again what kind of man I want to be.

I returned to the banquet hall and invited Stacey to dance; the next two hours we spent on this holiday were the most beautiful in a long time. I almost lost this battle to the evil one; but this did not happen, and now for a very long time I will share this story with friends.

Conclusion

Stacey has given me many wonderful gifts over the years, but I will never forget the one she gave me last Christmas. We had already unwrapped all the presents when Stacey suddenly slipped out of the room saying, "Close your eyes... I have a surprise for you." After much rustling and whispering with her sons, she told me that I could open my eyes. A long rectangular box lay on the floor in front of me. "Open it," Stacey said. I removed the tape and lifted the lid. In the box was a real antique broadsword, a Scottish sword, exactly like the one that William Wallace had. I've been looking for a sword like this for months now, but Stacey didn't know about it. It wasn't on the list of gifts I wanted for Christmas. She bought it out of her heart, trying to thank me for fighting for her.

This is what was written on the postcard:

This gift is for a man with a brave heart who fights for the hearts of so many people... and especially mine. Thanks to you, I have found freedom that I could not even dream of. Merry Christmas to you.

LIVE THE ADVENTURE

Weaken the breath of cold;
From the ice of misery of ages
Freed, they set in motion.
And the loud crackling of floating ice floes
Promises us a riot of spring waters.
Praise be to the Creator, our age is
What is evil in many guises
We are caught by every moment
Until we make
That grandiose rise of the soul,
Which cannot be compared. *

Christopher Fry

The Lord calls you to a place where the quenching of the thirst of this world will bring you joy.

Frederick Buchner

A river winds through southern Oregon, originating from the Cascades mountain range and flowing to the coast. This is the river of my childhood that has carved its way into the deep ravines of my memory. As a little boy I spent many summer days on the River Horn, fishing, swimming, and picking berries; though most of the time I fished. I like the name given to this river by the French hunters - "Naughty". This name was a kind of blessing of my adventures - I was a prankster on the river Rog.**

* Translation by N. Bobrova.
** The English name of the river Rogue is translated as "prankster, naughty". - Note. per.

Somewhere between Morrison's house and Foster's Shoal, a cliff hangs over this river. At this point, the canyon narrows, the river becomes deeper and quieter before flowing into the sea. High slopes of the cliff overhang on both sides of the river, and on the north side - which can only be reached by boat - the cliff is called Jumping. As a family, we really love jumping into the water from steep cliffs, especially when the weather is dry and hot, and the jump promises to be long enough to take your breath away when, after passing through a warm layer of water, you dive into where it is dark and cold, so it is cold that, panting, you will try to quickly emerge back to the sun. Jumping Rock rises above the river to about the height of a two-story house; it's high enough for you to count to five before you hit the water (jumping off the perch at the local pool, you'll barely count to two). Amazingly, the rocks seem twice as high when we look down before the jump and every cell in our body says: "Don't even think about it."

Therefore, you do not think, but force yourself to climb the steep and enjoy the free fall, which lasts so long that it seems to you that during this time you could read the Lord's Prayer to yourself. When you plunge into cold water, all your senses are sharpened, and when you emerge, your family greets you joyfully, and something inside you also rejoices, because You did it. That day we all jumped: first me, then Stacey, Blaine, Sam and even Luke. And another big clumsy guy who was about to go down, seeing how high he would have to fly; but he still jumped, because, having looked at Luke's jump, he could not live on, knowing that he had chickened out, that he could not do what a six-year-old boy had decided to do. After the first jump, you must jump again - partly because you don't believe you've made it, partly because fear gives way to delight. We basked in the sun, and then ... rushed down again.

This is how I would like to live my whole life. I would like to love even more passionately, without expecting to be loved in return. I would like to plunge headlong into creative work worthy of God. I would like to participate in the battle of Bannockburn, to walk on the water after Peter, who answered the call of Jesus, to pray for the fulfillment of the true desires of your heart. As the poet George Chapman said,

Give me a spirit that is in the stormy sea of ​​this life
He likes strong winds to blow his sails.
Even if its deck is cracking and its masts are bending.
And his ship is listing so hard to one side
That you can scoop up water and see how the keel cuts through the air.

Life is not a task to be solved, it is an adventure to be lived. This is the essence of it, and it has always been like this since the beginning of time, when the Lord wrote a spectacular script for this drama and said that it OK. God arranged the world in such a way that it opens for us only when risk becomes the leitmotif of our lives, and this, in turn, occurs only when we live by faith. A man will not be happy until his work, love and spiritual life become an adventure for him.

right question

A few years ago, I was flipping through the introduction to a book and suddenly came across a sentence that changed my life. God approaches us in a purely individual way and speaks to our hearts in a very special way for each - not only with the help of the Bible, He uses the entire creation for this. He talks to Stacy through movies. With Craig through rock and roll (only yesterday he called me and said that the song "Running Through the Jungle" inspired him to read the Bible). God's word comes to me in different ways - when I watch the dawn, or chat with friends, or watch movies, or listen to music, or relax in nature, or read books. But it's especially funny when it comes to books. Wandering through a secondhand bookstore, I can suddenly "hear" one of the thousand volumes as if saying to me: "Take me," just as Augustine wrote in his "Confession": tollelegs- take it and read it. Like a skilled fisherman, God casts his line into the water where the trout are swimming. In the introduction to one book I picked up that day, the author (Jill Bailey) shared with readers the advice his spiritual mentor gave him:

Don't ask what this world needs. Ask yourself what brings you back to life and do it, because the world needs people who are brought back to life.

This phrase interested me so much that I was speechless with amazement. I suddenly realized how disgusting my whole life up to this point had been; I realized that I was living a script written for me by someone else. All my life I have been asking the world to tell me what to do. This is fundamentally different from when you ask for advice or advice; in fact, I wanted to free myself from responsibility, and especially from the need to take risks. I wanted someone else to tell me how I should be. Thank God, this was not destined to come true. I couldn't live long with the script that was handed to me. It didn't fit me like Saul's weapon. The world of posers has nothing to offer you but to become a poser yourself. As Buchner said, we are constantly in danger of becoming not actors in the drama of our lives, but experimental creatures, "go where the world takes us, go with the flow with everything that happens around, trying to keep up with the strongest." After reading Bailey's advice, I knew it was God speaking to me. It was an invitation to leave the land of Ur. I put the book back down without even looking at the next page and left the store to go in search of a life worth living.

I applied for admission to graduate school and was accepted. Studying contributed not only to my career growth; thanks to the changes that happened to me in the process of education, I became a writer, psychologist and public speaker. The whole trajectory of my life has changed, and with it the lives of many, many other people. But I almost gave up on that path. You see, when I applied, I didn't have a cent to pay for my studies. I was married, I had three children, and I had to pay the interest on the mortgage; during this period of life, most men completely give up their dreams. The risk seems too great for them. In addition, at that moment I received a call from a firm in Washington DC and was offered a job that promised incredible earnings. I would be in a prestigious company, moving in very influential circles and earning a lot of money. Thus, the Lord further complicated the situation by testing my resolve. One path led to my dream, the fulfillment of desires for which I could not pay, and a completely uncertain future; the other - to success, confident career advancement and the complete loss of my soul.

This coming weekend I went to the mountains to put my thoughts in order. Life seems more understandable when you stand alone on the shore of a mountain lake with a fishing rod in your hand. When I climbed Holy Cross Wilderness, it seemed to me that I was freed from my false image and the influence of this world. On the second day the Lord spoke to me: "John, you can take this offer if you want. It's not a sin. But this job will kill you, and you know it." He was right; to take this job meant to agree to live in accordance with their false image. "If you want to follow Me, He continued, you must choose another path." I knew perfectly well what He was talking about - the "other way" led to the unknown, to new opportunities and perspectives. Surprisingly, three more calls followed the next week. The first one was from that firm in Washington; I told them that I was not suitable for the job and that they should look for someone else. When I hung up, my false self screamed: "What are you doing?!" Another call came the next day; it was my wife. She said that they called from the graduate school and asked when I would make the first installment of the tuition. On the third day, I received a call from an old friend who was praying for me and for my decision. "We think you should go to school," he said, "and we want to pay for your education."

Of two roads at a crossroads in the forest
I chose the most untrodden
And after that everything changed.

What are you waiting for?

Where would we be today if Abraham, after listening to God's offer to him, carefully weighed the pros and cons, and decided that he would be better off if he stayed in Ur, keeping his health insurance, for three weeks paid vacation and retirement savings? What would have happened if Moses had taken his mother's advice to "never play with matches" and acted carefully and prudently, avoiding any burning bushes? We would not have the gospel if Paul came to the conclusion that the life of a Pharisee may not be the embodiment of all male dreams, but at least it is predictable and certainly more stable than that which awaits him if he follows a voice that I heard on the way to Damascus. After all, people often hear all kinds of voices, and who knows if God is talking to them or it seems to them. Where would we be if Jesus Christ was not passionate, wild and romantic? Think about the fact that we would not exist at all if the Lord had not taken a huge risk by creating man.

Most men spend their energy on taking as little risk as possible, minimizing it. Their children hear "no" much more often than "yes"; their employees feel bound hand and foot, just like their wives. If they succeed in making their lives safe, not taking risks, they weave a cocoon for themselves and at the same time wonder why they have nothing to breathe. If this fails, they curse God, redouble their efforts and suffer from increased pressure. If you look closely at the false image that a person is trying to create, you will see that there are always two components in it: the desire to increase one's competence in some matter and the rejection of everything that cannot be controlled. As David White said, "The price of our vitality is the sum of all our fears."

In the Book of Genesis we read that for the murder of his brother, the Lord condemned Cain to the life of an exile and a wanderer; after reading five more Bible verses, we learn that Cain built the city (see: Gen. 4:12, 17). The unwillingness to believe in God and the desire to keep everything under your control sits in every man. White talks about the contradiction that exists between the desire of the false self "to gain power above happening, to control all events and their consequences and the desire of the soul to gain power thanks to what is happening, no matter what happens." You literally sacrifice your soul and your true power when you seek to control everything, like that guy from the parable told to us by Jesus. He decided that he would cope with life's difficulties, get rid of all the problems by building large granaries, but he died the same night (see: Luke 12:16-20). "... What is the use of a man if he gains the whole world, but damages his soul?" (Mark 8:36). By the way, you can lose your soul long before you die.

Canadian biologist Farley Mowat had a dream - to study the life of wolves in their natural habitat, in the wild in Alaska. The book "The Wolf That Doesn't Cry" is based on the impressions of his research expedition. Mowat became the prototype for the protagonist of the film based on this book, Professor Tyler, a bookworm who had very little idea of ​​life on the expedition. Tyler hires an experienced Alaskan pilot, Rosie Little, to fly him and his equipment to the Blackstone Valley in the dead of winter. As they fly in a small, single-engine plane over some of the most beautiful, rugged, and dangerous terrain on earth, Little questions Tyler about the secret purpose of his expedition:

Little: Tell me, Tyler... what's so special about this Blackstone Valley? What is there? Manganese? (Silence.) Well, certainly not oil. Maybe gold?
Tyler: Hard to say.
Little: You're a smart man, Tyler... you keep your plans to yourself. We're all gold diggers here, aren't we, Tyler? We are all swarming ... looking in the ground ...
(After a pause.) I'll tell you a secret, Tyler. Gold is not in the ground. There is no gold here. The real gold is much further south, it sits in its living room, staring into a box and dying of boredom. Dying of boredom, Tyler.

Suddenly, the plane's engine makes a few coughing noises, then there is a crackle, a wheeze... and it freezes. You can only hear how the wind flutters the wings of the plane.

Little: (With a groan.) Oh, God.
Tyler: What happened?
Little: Take the steering wheel.

Little hands over the helm of the plane to Tyler (who has never flown a plane in his life) and begins to nervously search for something in an old toolbox between the seats. Unable to find what he was looking for, Little begins to freak out. With screams, he turns the contents of the box onto the floor. Then, just as suddenly, he calms down, rubbing his face with his hands.

Tyler: (Still panicking and trying to fly the plane.) What happened?
Little: Boring, Tyler. Boring... that's what happened. What can beat boredom, Tyler? Adventure. ADVENTURE, Tyler!

With that, Little throws open the plane door and practically disappears behind it, hitting something, perhaps a frozen fuel pipe. The motor starts up again just as they nearly crash into the mountainside. Little grabs the helm and steers the plane steeply up, narrowly missing the top of the mountain, and then down into a beautiful valley.

Rosie Little may have been crazy, but he was a genius. He knew the secret of the male soul and the cure for the ailment that tormented him. Too many men have given up on their dreams because they didn't want to risk it, or because they were afraid they wouldn't pass the test, or because no one told them that the desires that are hidden in the depths of their souls, good ones. But the soul of a man, which Little calls real gold, is not made to be in control; she's built for adventure. We have some faint memories that when the Lord settled man on earth, he entrusted him with an incredible mission - He gave man permission to explore, build, conquer and take care of everything He created. It was a blank sheet to be filled in, a canvas to be painted on. So, dear ones, God did not take back his permission. We still have it, and the world is waiting for a man to use it.

If you had permission to do what you want, what would you do? don't ask how, this way you will kill your desire. How is the wrong question, the question of a man without faith. It means the following: "Until I see my path clearly, I will not believe in it, I will not dare to follow it." When an angel told Zechariah that his wife, in her advanced years, would bear him a son named John, Zechariah asked how this was possible, and for this he was struck dumb. Question how is under the control of God. He also asks you: What? What is imprinted in your heart? What brings you back to life? If you could do what you've always wanted to do, what would it be? You see, the vocation of a man is imprinted in his heart, and he will be able to find out what it is only when he ceases to restrain his deepest desires. To paraphrase Bailey, don't ask yourself what the world needs, ask yourself what brings you back to life, because the world needs men, who have been brought back to life.